Never Grow Up

I have always said I have Peter Pan syndrome. It gets worse when my birthday gets nearer, just like tonight. I swear I was just fine this afternoon but when I was already alone in my room, I just cried all of a sudden. I BBMd my Cousin, who has always been there to listen to me, and told him that I am afraid. He asked why, and what am I afraid of. And even though I know he would not judge, I could not bring myself to tell him that I am crying because I am afraid of growing up.

I do not think it is because of the responsibilities. I am okay with it, I have learned how to deal with them. Well, just kind of, but I know I am learning. I do not think it is because of working too. I am perfectly okay about working! Hell, I got my first job as a fast food cashier when I was 17, and I have always worked since then (I am 20 now). Come to think of it, I am not even perfectly sure why I am afraid to grow up...

My childhood was the only perfect memory I have, back when every thing was easy. So every time I celebrate my birthday, I feel like I am losing grip of my childhood. I rushed myself into growing up when I was younger, and now that I am older, I keep on asking myself if I can go back to being an innocent kid. When I was a kid, I found beauty in every thing. Now I am afraid that once I grow up more, I will never see that beauty in anything anymore. Life slowly took away my innocence. Oh how I wish I could get it back.

I will probably spend every night crying in my room until my birthday comes. And I am sure next year, it will happen again. And again, and again, and again. These tears will come every year, unless I forgive myself for growing up.

I failed.

I failed to keep this blog alive. The last post I had was dated January 24, 2011. Today's November 6, 2011 already! 10 freaking months!

I know I don't have much followers (LOL) but I swear I'll try to keep this blog alive from now on. I won't make any specific commitments, such as five posts per week, etc., but I'll really try to update this blog as much as I can.

Things have been a bit interesting lately so I hope I can fill this blog with certain updates. Stick around and I promise you'll see bits of what I call my crazy life.

Toodles!

PS. I update my Tumblr daily but with pictures of how I am feeling. You might also want to check it out :)

xxoo

400

I saw these UST pictures all over Tumblr and I can’t help but shed a tear. It feels like I’m looking at the life I want to live, the life I want to go back to…but of course I can’t do that anymore.

UST. I only loved you once, but I never stopped loving you since then. You are my first love. People say that “first love never dies but true love may bury it alive.” If that’s the case, I’d rather die of broken heart than look for my true love. I may be studying in a good college now, but you will forever have my heart. Forever, and the day after forever.

Spoilers ahead.

It was a happy ending, after all. But the scenes where Charlie said he's finally letting go of Julienne broke my heart, as well as Director Choi's face when he said "goodbye" to Gino. I also felt sad for Charlie because everyone got their own partners in the end, but he ended up alone. Oh well, he might meet somebody in China.

Park Gae's In (Julienne) weather forecast for tomorrow:

It won't be a life where everyday is clear and mild, but even if a pitch black darkness passes, where nothing can be seen, if this man and I are together, I feel like I can muster up the courage and continue walking.

Jeon Jin Ho's (Gino) weather forecast for tomorrow:

I raced ahead up to now without rest, but I was always that child that circled around the same spot. But after meeting this woman, I learned that occasionally stopping to reflect would allow me to go further.

Because I'm not patient enough to wait for ABS-CBN to air it.

I'm finally done watching the whole Perfect Match (aka Personal Preference) series! Gahd, their break up scene made me cry, especially the part where Gino kept convincing himself that he didn't love Julienne.

And yes, they finally did it. Not that I'm a pervert-who-is-always-hungry-for-IT, but man, look at Lee Min Ho's smile when he woke up the morning after they did it. Isn't he the cutest? :)

Cried four times today

1: On the bus, for unknown reason

2: Outside my aunt’s house, for unknown reason

3: Mall foodcourt, while telling my aunt that I cried for unknown reason

4: 3 minutes ago, in my room. So loud that my aunt and her cousin went down my room to check on me. I learned that my siblings and my cousin ordered pizza tonight, and I felt so left out that I cried. I mean, they ordered pizza TONIGHT. I left our house (the same house I live in with my siblings and cousin) because my winter break is over, and I need to live again with my aunt because her home is closer to my school. *Don’t get me wrong, I love my aunt and my cousins and my uncle!

_____________________________________________________________________

First rule of studying psychology (or when you studied psychology as part of your whole program) : NEVER EVER SELF-DIAGNOSE YOURSELF.

I just came home from a party. But I’m already feeling sad. Is something wrong? I told myself that I maybe depressed. But then I remembered the first rule.

But man, I feel so sad I think I’m really experiencing depression. I cry for no reasons at all and I feel sad just because…yeah, I just feel sad. My aunt, who heard me crying (my room is in the first floor, and she’s in the third floor), told me to go to our family doctor tomorrow. She said that winter really has this effect on people, and it is not good. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen the sun for like four days already.

My aunt also asked me what’s wrong. And I told her that I feel so empty, that I feel like my life has no life in it. Walang kabuhay buhay ang buhay ko. I also told her that I feel like i should do something but I don’t know what it is. My aunt told me that being depressed is not a joke. Her cousin told me that being depressed during winter in Canada is different from being depressed in other countries.

F*ck. Now I’m starting to cry again. I don’t want to self-diagnose myself, but I really feel like there’s something wrong. Worst, I feel like my life has no meaning that I shouldn’t be living at all.

Bad things happen to good people, Worse things ahppen to bad people.

Somebody stole my wallet while I was buying some groceries this morning :(

I lost all my cards and my 50 bucks. Good things was I put my grocery money in my pocket so I was still able to buy those groceries.

I lost these:

• Urban Planet discount card
• American Eagle discount card
• Student Price Card
• Richmond Hill Public Library Card
• HMV membership-discount card
• Ontario Health Card
• Seneca College ID
• My brother’s TD Bank Card and mine as well - but we were able to get a replacement immediately
• Red Cross First Aid and CPR card

Those cards are easy to replace. In fact I already got my replacement for my debt card. My brother, too.

But these things I lost broke my heart:

• A picture of me and my friends when we went to Pacific Mall
• The transfer I and my cousin used when we went to eat sushi at a Japanese restaurant
• The mini 2011 Salvation Army calendar I got when I donated some of my money
• The receipts for all the Christmas gifts I bought for Christmas 2010
• The receipt for Pizza Pizza and McDo where me and my crew ate after not seeing each other for 3 months

It’s the last day of 2010, and I can’t believe that there are people who can do this kind of thing. Don’t get me wrong, I also do bad things (but not stealing other people’s wallet!) but I choose dates. I mean, it’s New Year’s Eve and you do this to other people? Just plain mean.

All I’m hoping for is that they use the 50 bucks I have for something good. Like, at least donate some of it to Salvation Army.

Still, think positive! It’s New Year’s Eve and I don’t want any BV in me! :)

I don't like you, Winter.

It's 3 days before winter officially starts, but you can already see snow everywhere. When you go out, you already have to wear your winter jackets and wet hair is a big no-no. I remember going out once with my hair wet and the next thing I know, it turned into icicles already. No joke!

This is not the usual me but I am already sick. I have a mild flu, colds and cough. Wow, way to start my winter break! It makes me sad every time I turn off the shower, because after 30 minutes of letting warm water run all over me, I am reminded of another 3 months of winter. It is really heart breaking.

Like, for real!

The Story Behind Stare and Solve

Ever since I was a kid, I never really liked studying. I only like to read books, but not studying. Give me an English book and I can finish that up in one day. Give me a story book and I can summarize the story to you in an hour or two.

One time, my Mom saw me reading my older sister’s English book and she asked me why I wasn’t reading my own book. I told her I already finished reading all the stories in my book (that book was supposed to last for the whole year, mind you). She asked me if I studied my Math lessons already. I said not yet. (I never liked Math. I’d rather write essays and read thick books.)

So she made me get my Math book and she told me to study Math. What I did was I read the problem and MEMORIZED the steps. I was reading it aloud, saying the words “Step 1: Identify the problem, Step 2: Write the given, Step 3: Write the solution, Step 4: Calculate the answer”. She hear me doing this so she asked me what I was memorizing. She got mad and she was like “YOU DON’T MEMORIZE MATH! YOU SOLVE NUMBERS! YOU DON’T STARE AT THEM! YOU PRACTICE UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!”

My mom makes sense, right? I mean, she’s correct. Practice solving until you know it already.

When I grow up, I’ll teach my kids how to study Math. Because 1990’s is the last generation with common sense, I’ll be a parent who’ll share my common sense with my kids.

Take that!

Imbued with unending grace.

I was browsing my Tumblr page again and as usual, most of the pictures I saw was that of UST's. I just realized how much I miss my school. The one and a half years we spent together were not enough. If only I had the choice two years ago, I would still be there.

You see, passing entrance exams and getting in a good university was a big deal for my family. My Ate, being the smart ass person that she is, was able to get into University of the Philippines - Diliman, the best university in the Philippines. She actually passed every exam she took - Ateneo de Manila, La Salle, UST, and yes, the hard core University of the Philippines (UP). Little did I know that my future was being written already during that time.

When it was my turn for entrance exams, I was totally afraid of what the outcme will be. I was never a good student. I slept in class, I made fun of the teachers, I just chilled out with my friends while the teacher is talking. Nevertheless, I still managed to get good marks - really good marks.

I remember choosing Miriam, UST and UP as my universities. No offense to students from Miriam, but a lot of people told me that passing the entrance exam was easy. So I took it for my course Special Education (SpEd). I guess you can call it my "safety net". When the results came out, my sister texted me and told me that I passed. My initial reaction was "I know. The exam was easy."

I chose Psychology and Development Communication for UP. Surprisingly, the entrance exam went well, too. I fell asleep while writing the exam but my time was just enough for me to finish everything. I even thought the exam was easy! When the results came out, I was one of the five people from my high school who passed the UPCAT (UP College Admission Test). That came as a surprise for me. I never considered myself smart, in fact I only open my books if there's a quiz the next day.

USTET (UST Entrance Test) was a different story. The moment I stepped inside the UST campus, I knew that it was where I belong. I felt it calling me! While writing the exam, I was so scared that I couldn't even manage to blink. Out of the three entrance exams I took, I considered USTET as the hardest one. Be it mindfuckery or not, I don't really care. The day the results were supposed to come out, I fought with my sister over who was to use the computer (that time we don't have laptops in our family yet). I stayed up until 3 in the morning to check my status. And hell yeah, it was worth the wait. I passed the two courses I picked for UST - Occupational Therapy and the other one, Education.

I started calling myself a Thomasian (University of Santo Tomas. Get it?) that day. Little did I know, it was like calling out a war against my family, my parents especially. Hell, I passed UP! That only means one thing: my family wanted me to study in UP! That was like a big accomplishment during that time. In the Philippines, passing the UPCAT makes you a real smart ass kid. They even call students from UP as "iskolar ng bayan" (the nation's scholars), which is basically true. Even myself consider my sister as the smartest person I have ever met.

I remember sending an e-mail to all my aunts and uncle asking them to help me convince my parents to let me study in UST. To make the long story short, my mama and papa gave up in the end and let me choose what I want. So I accepted UST's offer of admission, and the rest as they say, is history.

It is in UST where I met the craziest people in my life. UST taught me how to live on my own (I was staying in a rez). UST taught me that even though you consider some people as your friends, they may still be your worst enemies. It was UST who taught me that staying up all night and studying doesn't mean you'll pass your exam. UST taught me not just about academics, but life itself. Most of all, it taught me that education doesn't end inside the four walls of your school. It spreads out wayyyyy outside of the institution. Education is when you realize that the lessons you learned outside the classroom are more important than the ones you learned inside. Education is when you realize that failing is another way of learning. Education is when you realize that the time you spent studying doesn't count that much; what counts the most are the life lessons you learned and the people you met along the way. That's why I can say that University of Santo Tomas has given me the best education I can ever ask for.

I am in Canada now, enrolled in another college taking a course different from I had in UST. But deep down inside me, I am still a Thomasian, because once a Thomasian, always a Thomasian... imbued with unending grace.

FAIL

I am so disappointed with how my blog turned out. I mean, if you read the very first entry of my blog, it will tell you how incapable I am of maintaining my online journals. I can still remember that it was the eve of January 1 2010 when I told myself I'm going to keep this blog alive. And holla, it's now December 12, 2010 and the last post I made was around March. See, I told you.

So as a result, I'm going to write something about each month from April til December of 2010. But I think I'm gonna make it in a different entry. it's already 1130PM and I need to wake up at 455AM tomorrow. This week's my finals exam so I need to go early to school and study. :)

But before I sleep, I just want to leave this website for any of you to read.

http://brainz.org/10-war-photographs-changed-world-forever/

As the link says, it is obviously the 10 war photographs that changed the world forever. I don't know why but whenever I see or hear the word "WAR", it hits something inside of me. Maybe it's the fact that my younger brother (whom I love with all my heart, to the moon and back forever plus the day after forever) is planning to be a soldier, and that I am also planning to be a nursing officer in the Canadian Forces. Or maybe it is also because the guy living in the house right next to us, whom I really really like that I even managed to stalk him and learn his schedule (LOLjk), is also planning to be a soldier in the Forces. I even saw him wearing his fatigues already. And mind you, he is already in the reserves.

But come to think of it, whichever view we look at it, war is never the answer. Killing will never be justified. War has never been the solution we need. Never has. Never will.

Fake Friend vs. Real Friend

Fake: One-dimensional. They see only their needs and is oblivious to needs of others. They often use you as a sounding board and you rarely get a word in.

Real: They are in-tune enough to sense your pain, your needs and are supportive. They are the type who listens attentively and with concern and interest. Each of you will have your time to vent and be heard. It won't be one-sided as it is with a fake friend.

--

Fake: Makes fun of your imperfections, passing their words off as a joke

Real: Overlooks your imperfections and if you choose to improve yourself, they are encouraging and supportive. They may even join in.

--

Fake: Will try to lead you down a destructive path

Real: Will encourage you to go down a constructive path. They will be by your side as you do.

--

Fake: Asks to borrow money often and never pays you back

Real: Only asks to borrow money if it's a true need and always pays back in a prompt manner. Willing to lend you money, if need be

--

Fake: Cuts you down quite frequently. You begin to wonder if they are jealous or very insecure.

Real: Builds you up and acknowledges your accomplishments, no matter how small. They are happy about good things happening to you as if they were happening to them. They aren't jealous, but encouraging.

--

Fake: You feel like running from

Real: You feel like running to

___

So, which one are you?

The Present

Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?
Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!
The clock is running!! Make the most of today.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who just missed a train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask someone who just avoided an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal at the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with. And remember time waits for no one.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why its called the present.

Think about it.

*Bee Gees' I've Gotta Get a Message to You playing while I'm typing this.*

Today is really a sad day. I don't know why. Have you ever got that feeling wherein you just felt sad suddenly? I was in McDonald's this afternoon with my friends and I swear everything was totally fine. My friends and I rode the bus and then they got off at their usual stops. I was left alone and that's when I started feeling gloomy. I was thinking about this someone who I think is really an angel. And because he is such an angel (I swear, he is!), I can't bring myself to get close to him. Why? Because I don't want to miss him later coz I know I'll never have him. I don't want to have him. The reason? I am not a good girl. I do some shitty stuff. And if I get close to him, I may just ruin him. I am a devil. He is an angel. If I get close to him, I may burn his wings and that will cause his downfall. I never ever want that to happen to someone who I like.

So yeah, that is all what's bothering me. Pretty simple and soft, I know. But hey! Nothing is simple and soft when it comes to love!

I'm feeling a little better now. Compared to the "problems" of other people, mine is so simple. I mean, other people are thinking about tougher stuff. It's winter and some people has nowhere to stay. It's already 10:54PM and some people haven't eaten their dinner yet, and maybe their lunch, too. Somewhere, a pregnant teenager may be thinking of aborting her child. Or a kid may be tempted to try drugs. See? Compared to other people, even though I am really heartbroken and sad, I am still lucky. Well at least my heart, even though it's broken, is still beating. And I have a roof above my head, I am still full, I am clean from any drugs and yes after doing this blog, I am going to lie down in my comfortable bed. Being heartbroken is way, way luckier than other people, don't ya think.

Oh well. *Jay-Z's Young Forever blasting from the speakers right now*

So yeah. There you are. Maybe I should stop over reacting from a brokenheart and just be thankful that I'm luckier than other people.

Who needs a Valentine when you have friends?

Seriously.

Not that I am bitter, but, come to think of it. Friends won't leave you, friends do break your heart but they'll fix it up sooner than you know it, friends won't break up or cool off with you.

I remember crying last Thursday (Feb 11) because yes, I was heartbroken (HAHAHA!). The next day, my friends invited me to go skating with them. I swear, the whole time I was with my friends, I forgot the name of that certain guy who made me cry. It was like an instant cure of what I felt. Oh. I love you guys.

Wait, the best part of the day was with this stranger in the skating rink. So, I'm not really good at skating, right? I passed by him (the stranger) and he said "You're doing great! Keep it up." while smiling at me. You made my day, stranger. I was gonna send it to 24 (the newspaper) "Missed Connections" to thank him again but then I realized that MC doesn't get published in 24 anymore. Sadsies.

Cheers to my friends who knows how to mend a broken a heart. Cheers to the stranger who brightened my day.

Happy Hearts' Day World! <3

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY.
<3

Worth the Wait

I want to let you in on a secret: I’m not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin, I’m surprised you haven’t seen right through me. I’m the girl of your dreams, masquerading as your best friend. Sometimes, I want to rip off this facade, but I can’t because you’ll get scared and run away.

So, I’ve decided that it’s better to live with a lie than expose my true feelings. I’ve been told that there are two types of girls: the ones you grow out of, and the ones you grow into. I hope I’m the latter.

I may not be the one you love today, and that hurts, but I’ll let you go for now, hoping that, one day, you’ll fly back to me… because I think you’re worth the wait."

-Chloe's letter to Clark (Smallville)

**************************************************************************

The line that hit me the hardest? "I’ll let you go for now, hoping that, one day, you’ll fly back to me… because I think you’re worth the wait."

The worst feelings in life...

• Being told that someone is better than you
• Knowing that you're being lied to
• Letting yourself be beat down
• Crying hard
• Losing someone close
• Watching yourself fade away
• Falling apart because you're alone
• Being alone because you're falling apart
• Hating yourself
• Not being good enough
• Being told that she's prettier
• Being mad at someone because you're mad at yourself
• Best friends falling apart
• Being told that you are fat
• Breaking up
• Falling out of love
• Being used
• Being made fun of
• Changing to be accepted by someone else
• Realizing that he doesn't love you

• Falling asleep alone when he should be next to you

Do you agree?

50 Interesting Facts

1. If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.

2. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

3. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

4. Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.

5. The Mercedes-Benz motto is “Das Beste oder Nichts” meaning “the best or nothing”.

6. The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

7. The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.

8. The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

9. Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

10. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

11. Dalmatians are born without spots.

12. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

13. The ‘v’ in the name of a court case does not stand for ‘versus’, but for ‘and’ (in civil proceedings) or ‘against’ (in criminal proceedings).

14. Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right, but women’s shirts have the buttons on the left.

15. The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

16. The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it’s already been digested by a bee.

17. Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.

18. The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.

19. Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.

20. Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.

21. The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

22. When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.

23. When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

24. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor.

25. The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney.

26. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

27. Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan.

28. It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.

29. The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.

30. There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

31. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

32. Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.

33. It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.

34. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

35. Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game.

36. The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.

37. Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.

38. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it
is smiling).

39. Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command “go hang yourself.”

40. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.

41. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

42. The average person laughs 13 times a day.

43. Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys?
They are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil)

44. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

45. German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.

46. Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump.

47. Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

48. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

49. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause.

50. The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!!

I'm offering you sweet serenity.

I used to be proud of myself when I'm able to help other people. I remember two friends of mine whom I've helped and who said they'll forever be in debt of what I've done for them. Other than that, I am also proud of my ability to "read" other people. I am not saying that I am very professional in reading other people, that I am very good in doing this. It's just the way I gauge their voice and see through their eyes that I can read them. I'm pretty sure other people can do this too, so don't think of me as a super reader or anything in that effect. :)

But lately, I've been doubting myself regarding this. You see, I am crushing on (or can I say, falling for?) someone in my school. I'm sure those who know me really well already have an idea on what I've been doing to this guy for the past few days. Yes, I'm stalking him. Everytime I am interested in someone, it's really my nature to "investigate" about his life and ev'rything that surrounds him. I guess that's my way of figuring out if I should allow myself to continue falling for that someone or if I should stop myself. But this guy is different. I past by him everyday and I always try looking at his eyes to read him. But everytime I do, I always fail. I look at his eyes but all I can see is pitch black darkness. I can see his pupils but I can't read it. But I know something from his eyes: they're deep and a hiding place. What he hides in that dark deepness, that I don't know of.

This guy really blew me away. He got a swagger that really caught my attention the first time I ever saw him. I adore guys who can handle themselves in a crowd, who can walk in the middle as if they own the stage. Secondly, his smile. Dude, I fall for guys who got the sweetest smile in the universe. I remember the first time he smiled at me, he didn't say anything. He just stood there, looking at me and smiling. I'll relive that moment anytime to see his first smile again. Lastly, the brains. He got the brains, man. I mean, the brains, the effin brains. If there's something I really look ofr in a guy, then it's their brains. I don't give an eff if you're so hot or if you got the biggest pants bulge. If you got the brains then I'm definitely all in for you.

So, I've been stalking this guy, right? I now know where he lives, what his school schedule is, when his birthday is, where his locker is and yes, what he does on his free time. Sadly, it isn't all good. I can tolerate guys who drink and smoke. You see, I do that, too. So who the hell am I to judge a guy who drinks and smokes? But there's one thing I haven't dealt with before - smoking weed. If you haven't heard of weed before, then check this website.

So I assume you now know what weed is. Yes, weed is an informal name for marijuana. You read it right, marijuana. I asked one of my friends about him and the first thing he told me was "That guy is f*cked up! He smokes weed!". He even went as far as telling me that I should choose other guy than this guy I'm already crushing on. To tell you the truth, I was so shocked at first. The first thing I did was pich my cheek if I am really awake. I can never imagine someone with a smile like him and the brains (especially the brains!) like him to do such a thing. I kept telling myself that if he really got the brains, then why would he destroy his future by doing that.

I was heartbroken. Not because I like him, but because I can't accept the fact that someone like him smokes weed. Take away the fact that he does that, I can see him having a bright future. My friend told him that he is an only child. He's half Pinoy and half something else (which I won't tell because he might stumble upon this stupid blog of mine and discover I've been following him). Apparently, he only got influenced into smoking weed by his friends who have also been influenced by other people. He also got a bad temper, my friend said. Uh oh. I hate that part, too. I'm so fly and happy and I rarely get angry (except when provoked) and I love happy things so much. People always see me smiling and laughing out loud (swear!). How will I behave when paired with someone who gets angry easily?

So here's the real deal. A year ago, I promised myself that I will do good things to people every month of February, my birthday month. That promise started here (read the last two paragraphs). I chose my Mom as a starter last year (I know it's a good choiceÜ), and I think I already have the chosen one whom I'll help or do good to this year. HIM. I've already got plans on how I can start helping him. Of course this case is different from my mom's case. My mom knows I gave the gift, but this guy won't know who I am. I will be doing this not because I like him romantically, but because I think he is someone who he is worthy of being given another chance to have a bright future. I'll do this while I hide in the shadows. I pray to God that my plan will be successful. If this plan become successful, then my nineteenth birthday will be a memorable one.


PS:
I've already mentioned in my former blogs that I have this superhero syndrome. See? I guess I'm right. I know that like Superman & Batman, there will always come a time that I won't be able to save the people I want to help. But still, I'm gonna try. There's no harm in trying, right? And if I fail, if I fail helping him, at least I know I've done my best and who knows, maybe years from now, he'll wake up and remember this anonymous girl who once tried helping him and when that time comes, he'll have the initiative to help himself. If he does, I know I've helped him still and I succeeded.