Never Grow Up

I have always said I have Peter Pan syndrome. It gets worse when my birthday gets nearer, just like tonight. I swear I was just fine this afternoon but when I was already alone in my room, I just cried all of a sudden. I BBMd my Cousin, who has always been there to listen to me, and told him that I am afraid. He asked why, and what am I afraid of. And even though I know he would not judge, I could not bring myself to tell him that I am crying because I am afraid of growing up.

I do not think it is because of the responsibilities. I am okay with it, I have learned how to deal with them. Well, just kind of, but I know I am learning. I do not think it is because of working too. I am perfectly okay about working! Hell, I got my first job as a fast food cashier when I was 17, and I have always worked since then (I am 20 now). Come to think of it, I am not even perfectly sure why I am afraid to grow up...

My childhood was the only perfect memory I have, back when every thing was easy. So every time I celebrate my birthday, I feel like I am losing grip of my childhood. I rushed myself into growing up when I was younger, and now that I am older, I keep on asking myself if I can go back to being an innocent kid. When I was a kid, I found beauty in every thing. Now I am afraid that once I grow up more, I will never see that beauty in anything anymore. Life slowly took away my innocence. Oh how I wish I could get it back.

I will probably spend every night crying in my room until my birthday comes. And I am sure next year, it will happen again. And again, and again, and again. These tears will come every year, unless I forgive myself for growing up.