Never Grow Up

I have always said I have Peter Pan syndrome. It gets worse when my birthday gets nearer, just like tonight. I swear I was just fine this afternoon but when I was already alone in my room, I just cried all of a sudden. I BBMd my Cousin, who has always been there to listen to me, and told him that I am afraid. He asked why, and what am I afraid of. And even though I know he would not judge, I could not bring myself to tell him that I am crying because I am afraid of growing up.

I do not think it is because of the responsibilities. I am okay with it, I have learned how to deal with them. Well, just kind of, but I know I am learning. I do not think it is because of working too. I am perfectly okay about working! Hell, I got my first job as a fast food cashier when I was 17, and I have always worked since then (I am 20 now). Come to think of it, I am not even perfectly sure why I am afraid to grow up...

My childhood was the only perfect memory I have, back when every thing was easy. So every time I celebrate my birthday, I feel like I am losing grip of my childhood. I rushed myself into growing up when I was younger, and now that I am older, I keep on asking myself if I can go back to being an innocent kid. When I was a kid, I found beauty in every thing. Now I am afraid that once I grow up more, I will never see that beauty in anything anymore. Life slowly took away my innocence. Oh how I wish I could get it back.

I will probably spend every night crying in my room until my birthday comes. And I am sure next year, it will happen again. And again, and again, and again. These tears will come every year, unless I forgive myself for growing up.

I failed.

I failed to keep this blog alive. The last post I had was dated January 24, 2011. Today's November 6, 2011 already! 10 freaking months!

I know I don't have much followers (LOL) but I swear I'll try to keep this blog alive from now on. I won't make any specific commitments, such as five posts per week, etc., but I'll really try to update this blog as much as I can.

Things have been a bit interesting lately so I hope I can fill this blog with certain updates. Stick around and I promise you'll see bits of what I call my crazy life.

Toodles!

PS. I update my Tumblr daily but with pictures of how I am feeling. You might also want to check it out :)

xxoo

400

I saw these UST pictures all over Tumblr and I can’t help but shed a tear. It feels like I’m looking at the life I want to live, the life I want to go back to…but of course I can’t do that anymore.

UST. I only loved you once, but I never stopped loving you since then. You are my first love. People say that “first love never dies but true love may bury it alive.” If that’s the case, I’d rather die of broken heart than look for my true love. I may be studying in a good college now, but you will forever have my heart. Forever, and the day after forever.

Spoilers ahead.

It was a happy ending, after all. But the scenes where Charlie said he's finally letting go of Julienne broke my heart, as well as Director Choi's face when he said "goodbye" to Gino. I also felt sad for Charlie because everyone got their own partners in the end, but he ended up alone. Oh well, he might meet somebody in China.

Park Gae's In (Julienne) weather forecast for tomorrow:

It won't be a life where everyday is clear and mild, but even if a pitch black darkness passes, where nothing can be seen, if this man and I are together, I feel like I can muster up the courage and continue walking.

Jeon Jin Ho's (Gino) weather forecast for tomorrow:

I raced ahead up to now without rest, but I was always that child that circled around the same spot. But after meeting this woman, I learned that occasionally stopping to reflect would allow me to go further.

Because I'm not patient enough to wait for ABS-CBN to air it.

I'm finally done watching the whole Perfect Match (aka Personal Preference) series! Gahd, their break up scene made me cry, especially the part where Gino kept convincing himself that he didn't love Julienne.

And yes, they finally did it. Not that I'm a pervert-who-is-always-hungry-for-IT, but man, look at Lee Min Ho's smile when he woke up the morning after they did it. Isn't he the cutest? :)

Cried four times today

1: On the bus, for unknown reason

2: Outside my aunt’s house, for unknown reason

3: Mall foodcourt, while telling my aunt that I cried for unknown reason

4: 3 minutes ago, in my room. So loud that my aunt and her cousin went down my room to check on me. I learned that my siblings and my cousin ordered pizza tonight, and I felt so left out that I cried. I mean, they ordered pizza TONIGHT. I left our house (the same house I live in with my siblings and cousin) because my winter break is over, and I need to live again with my aunt because her home is closer to my school. *Don’t get me wrong, I love my aunt and my cousins and my uncle!

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First rule of studying psychology (or when you studied psychology as part of your whole program) : NEVER EVER SELF-DIAGNOSE YOURSELF.

I just came home from a party. But I’m already feeling sad. Is something wrong? I told myself that I maybe depressed. But then I remembered the first rule.

But man, I feel so sad I think I’m really experiencing depression. I cry for no reasons at all and I feel sad just because…yeah, I just feel sad. My aunt, who heard me crying (my room is in the first floor, and she’s in the third floor), told me to go to our family doctor tomorrow. She said that winter really has this effect on people, and it is not good. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen the sun for like four days already.

My aunt also asked me what’s wrong. And I told her that I feel so empty, that I feel like my life has no life in it. Walang kabuhay buhay ang buhay ko. I also told her that I feel like i should do something but I don’t know what it is. My aunt told me that being depressed is not a joke. Her cousin told me that being depressed during winter in Canada is different from being depressed in other countries.

F*ck. Now I’m starting to cry again. I don’t want to self-diagnose myself, but I really feel like there’s something wrong. Worst, I feel like my life has no meaning that I shouldn’t be living at all.

Bad things happen to good people, Worse things ahppen to bad people.

Somebody stole my wallet while I was buying some groceries this morning :(

I lost all my cards and my 50 bucks. Good things was I put my grocery money in my pocket so I was still able to buy those groceries.

I lost these:

• Urban Planet discount card
• American Eagle discount card
• Student Price Card
• Richmond Hill Public Library Card
• HMV membership-discount card
• Ontario Health Card
• Seneca College ID
• My brother’s TD Bank Card and mine as well - but we were able to get a replacement immediately
• Red Cross First Aid and CPR card

Those cards are easy to replace. In fact I already got my replacement for my debt card. My brother, too.

But these things I lost broke my heart:

• A picture of me and my friends when we went to Pacific Mall
• The transfer I and my cousin used when we went to eat sushi at a Japanese restaurant
• The mini 2011 Salvation Army calendar I got when I donated some of my money
• The receipts for all the Christmas gifts I bought for Christmas 2010
• The receipt for Pizza Pizza and McDo where me and my crew ate after not seeing each other for 3 months

It’s the last day of 2010, and I can’t believe that there are people who can do this kind of thing. Don’t get me wrong, I also do bad things (but not stealing other people’s wallet!) but I choose dates. I mean, it’s New Year’s Eve and you do this to other people? Just plain mean.

All I’m hoping for is that they use the 50 bucks I have for something good. Like, at least donate some of it to Salvation Army.

Still, think positive! It’s New Year’s Eve and I don’t want any BV in me! :)