Cried four times today

1: On the bus, for unknown reason

2: Outside my aunt’s house, for unknown reason

3: Mall foodcourt, while telling my aunt that I cried for unknown reason

4: 3 minutes ago, in my room. So loud that my aunt and her cousin went down my room to check on me. I learned that my siblings and my cousin ordered pizza tonight, and I felt so left out that I cried. I mean, they ordered pizza TONIGHT. I left our house (the same house I live in with my siblings and cousin) because my winter break is over, and I need to live again with my aunt because her home is closer to my school. *Don’t get me wrong, I love my aunt and my cousins and my uncle!

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First rule of studying psychology (or when you studied psychology as part of your whole program) : NEVER EVER SELF-DIAGNOSE YOURSELF.

I just came home from a party. But I’m already feeling sad. Is something wrong? I told myself that I maybe depressed. But then I remembered the first rule.

But man, I feel so sad I think I’m really experiencing depression. I cry for no reasons at all and I feel sad just because…yeah, I just feel sad. My aunt, who heard me crying (my room is in the first floor, and she’s in the third floor), told me to go to our family doctor tomorrow. She said that winter really has this effect on people, and it is not good. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen the sun for like four days already.

My aunt also asked me what’s wrong. And I told her that I feel so empty, that I feel like my life has no life in it. Walang kabuhay buhay ang buhay ko. I also told her that I feel like i should do something but I don’t know what it is. My aunt told me that being depressed is not a joke. Her cousin told me that being depressed during winter in Canada is different from being depressed in other countries.

F*ck. Now I’m starting to cry again. I don’t want to self-diagnose myself, but I really feel like there’s something wrong. Worst, I feel like my life has no meaning that I shouldn’t be living at all.